It's been a long, long time...

It's been 2 years, 9 months, 1 week and 2 days since my last post. Why such a long absence you ask? It's because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I failed AGAIN! I failed myself, I failed my body, I failed my family. I started my journey of a lifetime on May 6, 2013 and lost a total of 38.8 pounds by July 2013. By October 2013, I completely gave up. Everything seemed to be against me. My injury to my leg was so much worse and after having a Synvisc injection and plenty of physical therapy, I still couldn't do everything I wanted to do. Exercise was limited. My food was also off. I went on vacation and the choices available were not always ideal, so I made bad ones. So many reasons, so many excuses why I was gaining weight back; why I gave up.  I let all of the personal demons overtake me and wear me down once again. So far down that I've gained the entire 38.8 pounds back plus another 6.9 pounds. I am absolutely miserable. My mobility is limited, my back is in constant pain, my body is in constant pain. I can't sleep and that makes for a very long day. To say I'm disappointed in myself is an understatement. How could I have done this to myself...how did I even get to this weight...what the hell is wrong with me...I'm disgusting...I'm grotesque...I'm such a disappointment to myself and my family. These are the things that float around in my mind on the daily. This is why I fail every single time. I wasn't always supported as a child and always felt out of place, the ugly duckling, unlikable...let's just say my childhood wasn't always the best. However I have overcome many things and in doing that, I've been blessed with many friends, co-workers, and family that fully support me and want nothing but the best for me. There are so many true supporters in my circle. So why is it so hard to accomplish this one thing...the one thing that I want so badly? I don't know is the answer. I can't quite figure out why I play these head games with myself or why I'm so self loathing.

As I sit here near tears, I'm getting angry and frustrated. I want to do things with my husband, with my kids...but I can't. I can slowly see my life slipping away. I watch those shows where the 600 lb woman or man are stuck in their house and can't move...I don't want that. I want to travel, and hike and river raft and zip line and all of those fun things that other people do. I've already wasted so much of my adult life being obese. I want to change it. Do I have the strength to do it? I tell myself yes, but when it comes down to it, I'm not sure. This stuff is hard. I can do hard things...so why can't I do this? Well that's what I want to figure out. I want to be successful at this. I want to be healthy. I want my outside to match my inside.

So this is why I'm blogging again. I'm hoping that by being an active blogger, I can help myself conquer this first hurdle and all of the others to come after it. I'm hoping I can inspire and help someone else find their inner spark and accomplish a life goal...a dream.

Today is the day that I'm declaring that I'm going to do this. I'm going to learn to love myself more, I'm going to kick some ass on these personal demons that bring me down. I'm going to be happy no matter what the number on the scale may be. I want to go to Ireland in May with my husband to celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary and be able to move, to do, to live. I'm going to be patient and take things slow. My original goal was to lose 50 pounds in a few months, but I realized that I don't need to set such lofty goals...start out small...baby steps. No matter what that weight loss number is in May when we leave, I'm going to be OK with it. Any loss is a loss. I'm going to celebrate each milestone. I can do this...I WILL DO THIS. I'm going to change the way I live my life. I want to be here to watch my boys get married and have kids of their own. It's time to get real.